Complete Compendium of Child-Rearing
I have long since observed that the people least qualified to give you advice on different matters are, in fact, the most likely to give you advice on the very matters which they are least capable of advising you.
That said, I am a self-proclaimed expert on child-rearing. My meta-analyses are so painstaking that I feel a small existential tingle-and-release sensation every time I carry one out from start to finish, and I bet if I carried one out from finish to start, it would be so painstaking that I would end up writing a counter-meta-analysis resulting in my concurrent expertise with the elderly.
But for now: child-rearing. Here are my expert thoughts on the issue:
1) Never, ever rear a child. As noted above, the best and fastest way to become an expert in something is to have nothing at all to do with it. Therefore, to make it more likely that you will be the best parent you can be, it would be wise to put it firmly out of your mind for ever.
2) Never, ever have a child. The logical follow-up from the previous thought is that if you put the thought of having a child out of your mind, you are not likely to have one to rear later on. It should be noted that, firstly, the notion of logic when speaking on the subject of children is laughable. Children do not obey or even acknowledge the concept of gravity, let alone the “rule” supposedly forbidding faster-than-light travel, and would certainly balk (“balk” in this context is defined as “gleefully urinate”) at an abstract idea like logic. Secondly, children tend to form at intervals where thought is peculiarly absent from its usual post. One might draw correlation between these data. One might even venture far enough to say that, logically, we should all be suspicious.
3) If you have a child (see #2), never, ever let it turn into an teenager. Those of you who are reading this far: it isn’t too late. There is still time to convince everyone around you that you’re a good parent. All you have to do is thoroughly neglect to rear your child and then notify the appropriate authorities; more likely than not, they will respond to such a heartwarming display of your intentions by removing the offending child from your care, thus ensuring you stay on the right track to becoming an expert in child-rearing.
4) If you have a teenager (see #3, then #2), there is no hope. More than likely, you’re now at a point in your life when the children no longer care about (and, in fact, seem angered by) their own existence, and they have chosen this time to let you know that it was your fault all along. Not only that, but they have been successful in convincing you that - despite all of the above - you still want them around. A creature that can accomplish this while voluntarily assaulting itself with all manner of radiation and disturbing imagery is a creature that is to be feared. At this point, you’re just hoping that one day your teenager will be miraculously replaced by an adult, which you’re sure you must have hallucinated somewhere between #3 and #4 because there are snowballs in Hell, and they are laughing at you.
If your teenager is replaced by an adult, just remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or makes you require stronger drink, whatever those crazy kids are calling it these days.
